Living Double Lives on Facebook

Sometimes people want the world to think that their life is better or more exciting than it really is.  For example, there is a member of my family who is having a hard time in her life with her third marriage.  She outright stated that she purposely makes her life seem perfect on Facebook although in real life it is far from what she wants it to be.  While those who live close to her realize that her life is, in many ways, shattered, family members and friends who live far away see her life as being something to envy.  In short, many of those who view her Falsebook profile are only seeing a false life that has been, in short, made up.

They are seeing a life that exists only in the deepest sanctums of her imagination.  And they believe it is reality.

Many people live double lives on and off of Facebook.  I found that, when I used to be a user of the site, that my life often seemed more exciting on Facebook.  I would sit back and ask myself how others must view my life.  It made me feel good for a while, knowing that those who I knew in the past and generally no longer talked to that much probably thought I was living an amazing life.  Although I am very happy with my life, it is not all glamor.  For example, while I do travel very often, I oftentimes stay in places that many people would probably never set foot in.  Yet, I would rarely show those places when I had a Facebook profile.  Most people, I found, were envious of my life, as if it was something unattainable.  I realized that I did not like people thinking this way about me, but I found it almost impossible to not live a double life on Facebook.

Most people want to be viewed in a positive light.  It is very easy to be viewed this way when you are twisting and morphing a Facebook profile.  Unlike real life, which is full of challenges and ordeals, one can paint their life in any color they choose while on the kingpin of (a)social networking.  While it may be very challenging to have a perfect marriage, one can create such a thing at the push of a button on Facebook.  No wonder many people would rather live their lives in front of a computer instead of in the big bad real world that exists just beyond the screen.

But living one's life on a computer comes at a cost.  First, it is incredibly addictive.  Second, when a person spends an inordinate time in the fantasy world of Facebook, real life issues invariably emerge.  It is not uncommon to see people gaining weight and encountering serious health problems because they neglect their bodies, instead opting for the computer.  While one posts about their double life they may find that they are instead ignoring their real life.  Many ignore their families, friends, skills, career aspirations, and dreams.  Sure, you can pretend to live your dreams on the internet, but it will never result in you actually achieving them. 

Unplugging yourself and staying off of Facebook is the hardest part.  Many people get to the point where they can deactivate the beast, but it's not coming back that most fail at.  Even I have battled the want to go back to the site that the world is obsessed with.  It is only through reminding myself of what my life was like when I was glued Facebook that makes me stay away.  We are told we are sinister or somehow unsavory for not being on Facebook.  Yet, that is not true.  Do you see the biggest creators and achievers in the world glued to Facebook?  Facebook is a pacifier for the masses, nothing more.  It is the biggest waste of time in the modern world (and, in the end, it is truly a waste).  When people can not go a series of minutes without checking the site, you know there is a problem. 

Don't get swept up living a double life on Facebook.  Instead, resist the temptation to spend your life off of the site at all costs.  You are not a bad person if you don't use Facebook.  You are not somehow unsavory or socially devious just because you realize that there is a real world beyond the computer.  Don't give into the hype or peer pressure.  A life without Facebook is the optimal life.  Many of those who say otherwise have not lived a life free of Facebook in years. 

It's just too hard to leave Facebook...

In my last post, I asked the question, "does Facebook make people anti-social?"  Perhaps it does with some people.  I talked about a certain family member who was hurt by what her daughter said to her.  My wife told her that it may be best to take a break from Facebook for a while.  She kind of agreed, and was considering leaving.  However, she did not.

Facebook's gravitational pull is too great for many.  A life without Facebook is terrifying to many in our modern world.  People are expected to either be on Facebook or be viewed as social pariahs.  Furthermore, there is often a backlash from family and friends who are on Facebook when one leaves.  "Why did you leave us?" they cry.  In fact, when a Facebook user goes to deactivate their profile, shown is a few friends with text saying that each one will miss you. 

Instead of leaving Facebook, the individual has set herself up for more heartache.  Similar situations have erupted on Facebook over the course of the last few years.  Some people use Facebook as a medium to control others.  Others use Facebook as a medium to make others feel awful about the world and their lives.  For my sister-in-law, she uses Facebook as a way to tell her family (particularly her mother) how they raised her wrong all of her life and to brag about her adult life.  Happy mother's day.

My wife's mother has battled with the idea of leaving Facebook for a while now.  In fact, she once stated that she was not addicted to Facebook.  I think that most people are.  In fact, I believe if someone 'battles leaving Facebook but does not' then they are addicted.  There is no way around it.  To the addicted, contrary information, such as this website, is ignored.  Many addicts have no want to hear that they are addicted, nor do they want to change.  In fact, even with the heartache that Facebook causes these people, a fear of the world outside of Facebook makes them too afraid to leave.

My wife's father, however, did leave Facebook.  He realized that Facebook was not conductive to a real adult life in a real adult world.  In fact, he was sick of the behavior that many hardcore users exhibit on the site.  The strutting around like an internet rooster.  The behaving like a donkey in the barnyard.  The incredulous lack of judgement that many Facebook users show.  The internet brings out the worst in people.  From message boards to internet chat rooms, people can be downright vile on the internet.  Facebook makes it worse, because, many of these people are doing it to their families and best friends.  Those who society says we should love the most. 

In the last few years I have seen both my family and my wife's family fall apart.  From outright cheating on spouses to using Facebook as a medium for the disowning of siblings, Facebook has reeked serious havoc.  Before leaving I constantly read horrible things being said about family members right on the site.  Family fights erupted for the world to see.  And yet people ask me why I am not on Facebook.  I believe that we become that which we behold.  I did not want to turn into such a person.  I did not want to be a part of the negativity.  I had found that Facebook was a very negative website across the board.  Sadly, many people do not see it.  Instead, they think Facebook is just a way to keep in touch.  Yet, there is an element that brings out the worst in humanity there.  Perhaps it's the war to get likes.  People will destroy each other for a few likes.  Facebook likes are like cocaine to some. 

My wife's mother eventually sent an e-mail to my sister-in-law and within seconds replied and invited my wife's mother to yet another birthday party.  They went.  Perhaps out of fear of the backlash that would be caused on the site if they said no.  Perhaps they truly wanted to go, even though the daughter humiliated her and made her feel like a genuine buffoon and certified lummox.  Everything should be a-ok for the next few weeks.  Of course, the Facebook pawn will show herself again and rape and pillage for the world to see.  That's how it goes down in Facebook town. 

Does Facebook make people anti-social?

Last night as my wife was on the phone, her mother explained, on the verge of tears, how her daughter had chewed her out for not traveling sixty miles for a birthday party that was announced a day earlier only via Facebook.  She tried to explain to her daughter that both her and her husband were sick and could not make the long journey on such short notice.  Furthermore, this particular party was being held a month after the actual birthday.  And with all of fury the daughter could muster, she straight up told her mother that "if [she had] tried to understand why they were sick every single time they were sick, she would have the Guinness Book of World Records for compassion." 

My wife explained to her somewhat distraught mother that Facebook has changed how people act socially.  She explained that on the internet there is no seeing the other person's face, no hearing the other person's voice.  Instead, one sends out a message to a picture and has nothing to hold them back from being as mean and bitter as they can possibly be.  Tact is not an ordinary tool that is used when on the internet, sadly.  Instead, people spout off anything that comes to mind, some of which are hateful and spiteful words.  Words that people would rarely use in the real world to those who they profess to love.  In short, Facebook makes people anti-social.

But, Facebook is not the real world.  Facebook is fantasy. 

Like many, my wife's sister has lost much of her social skills as a result of her time on Facebook.  People need face to face interaction with other people to grow socially.  Those who live their lives via Facebook regress to a point where the entire world is confusing and perplexing.  My wife's sister lives her entire life via Facebook.  Sadly, even though she is both physically and financially capable, she rarely leaves her home.  Her world exists through a screen.  She uses Facebook as a medium to brag about her life and how she perceives it to be.  She bullies those who do not agree with her.  She does not pick up the phone to call her parents nor does she e-mail.  And when she wants to invite someone to one of her nine children's birthday parties, she does it entirely via Facebook. 

Yet, before Facebook she was not always this way.  In fact, she used to plan gatherings with her parents and family and spend much time with them.   As they are getting older, she would drive herself and her children to their house and spend an evening or weekend with them.  She was very much a part of the family and considered herself a family centric individual.  Then Facebook arrived.  At this point she began to withdraw.  She realized that the new world of Facebook was now to become her home.  Instead of visiting family in person, she would post on their Facebook profile wall.  Instead of having her grandchildren visit she would post pictures of them getting older.  And like a hoarder, she would collect the hundreds of likes that came as a result of these pictures.  Each like gave her something.  Perhaps it was some positive reinforcement, maybe it improved her sometimes weak self-esteem.  It also, however, gave her the assurance that she no longer had to leave the house.  The fantasy world of Facebook had become more enticing than the real world that existed outside.  The real world, to her, was now dying. 

As time passed, my wife's sister began to grow angry at the world that existed off her computer.  She began to hate this terrifying and confusing world.  So, she would withdraw either onto her phone or her laptop.  Instead of talking to others when they visited, she would stare at the screen, waiting for a text message or search for a picture to post onto Facebook.  There would be no communication for those who did not join her on Facebook.  If you were not on Facebook, she did not exist.  You did not exist.  And that is how it has been for a while now.

There are hundreds of such stories out there.  True tales of people who withdraw from the modern world, instead opting to live the remainder of their lives on Facebook.  Facebook gives some people more than they believe they can get out of the real world.  Where else can you say something and have hundreds of people like it in minutes?  Where else can you make what you feel to be a lackluster life seem like a dream?  The real world is hard.  Facebook is easy.

Yet, life is meant to be shared in person with others.  Yet more and more people are sharing their lives only through a computer screen or cellular phone.  Instead of spending time with their families and loved ones, people instead would rather gather likes on a computer screen.  Instead of spending time with parents and family members that will one day no longer be around, people would rather brag and talk trash on the internet.  What will it take to change this?  What will it take to make people step back and realize what is important in life?  For those who say that Facebook is a harmless tool, they do not understand the deeper psychological aspects that users of the site experience.  Many say that it will not happen to them, but as I sit in a classroom full of people who are obsessed with Facebook and not interested in listening to a lecture or watching a public speaker, I can not help but wonder if this is not happening to most of Facebook's users.  When I see people walk around with their eyes glued to their phone instead of enjoying the world around them, I can't help but wonder if we have stepped backwards as a species.  When I see people justify their use and their obsession to an (a)social media website, I can not help but wonder if they are trying to tell themselves once again that they are not addicted.

The reality is that if you are using the website to the detriment of any other aspect of your life, and you see no problem with it, you are addicted.  If you are letting your family life, your relationships, your professional life, or your dreams pass you by while you use Facebook, you need to reconsider your priorities. 

The internet is not the real world.  Facebook is not the real world.  Those who live their lives through these mediums miss out on an amazing life and an amazing experience.  Those who live through a computer screen or a cellular phone are truly hurting themselves.  There is a problem with such a life, and those who do not

see it choose to not want to see it.  We have been given this life, a chance to experience a world that has been created for us.  We have a precious existence that is literally wasted through the obsession we have with (a)social networks.  Ask yourself today if you want to go back to the world that you knew a few years ago.  Ask yourself if you want to live once again.  Many could benefit and grow if they merely gave up the site that has hindered their development. 

Employers Keeping an Eye on Employee's Social Network Profiles!

There has been a lot of attention lately on employers and regulatory bodies that want to keep an eye on the lives of others, particularly through their internet profiles.  For example, a recent story from CNN stated that a wall street regulator wants the power to keep tabs on stockbroker's social network postings.  In other words, he wants to be able to see what wall street employees are saying on their (a)social media accounts in order to see if they are not complying with the law.

The argument goes "investors must be protected, if stockbrokers are chattering about stocks on Facebook and Twitter, FINRA must ensure that the stockbrokers comply with the policies of Wall Street firms."

According to CNN, earlier in the year, FINRA sent letters to around 10 states with laws and/or proposed legislation that ban this kind of monitoring.  The Wall Street Journal recently reported on this matter.

There have been many instances of people being fired for their posts on Facebook over the last few years, and some states have reacted by banning companies from monitoring their employee's accounts.  Again, this begs the question, why have such (a)social media accounts in the first place when your real life (and Facebook is not 'real life') is at risk?

In 2011, there was a lawsuit by an officer at the Maryland Division of Corrections.  He was applying for re-certification after a leave of absence.  The officer stated that an interviewer asked for his Facebook log in information during the interview.  The American Civil Liberties Union took the case, and not too far afterward, Maryland banned this practice.  Other states have begun to follow.  Such laws generally ban employers from requiring access to their employee's and job applicant's social network accounts.

However, now FINRA wants broker-dealers excluded from that ban. 

"Prohibiting access to these accounts conflicts with a firm's responsibilities to comply with federal requirements and threatens investor protection," FINRA complained in its letter. As Smaragdis puts it, FINRA wants financial companies to be able to "follow up on 'red flags.'" (Source: CNN)

Those who support the bans on social networking monitoring believe that if an employer can monitor Facebook posts in order to make sure you are following the company's rules, what would stop them from looking through your photos and your life, using the information they find against you?  This is seen by some, especially those who value privacy, as an abuse of power. 

Of course, the best answer seems to be, don't bother with such sites in the first place.  What would an employer say or be able to do if you were not on Facebook?  After all, not everyone is.  Many who find themselves on Facebook get themselves into trouble.  And is the mental anguish worth it?  What does a person lose by not having a profile?  Of course, that is the main topic of this site.  However, that point is hard to hit home when many people feel that having Facebook is a necessity in life.

I have known people who have become angry at me for finding information about them that they posted on various websites and blogs.  If you do not want your life to be shared with the rest of the world, do not share it on the internet.  The internet is a public forum.  By sharing the intimate details of your life on Facebook, there is a huge chance that others will see it.  I am for privacy, but wonder why those who are on Facebook get especially upset when their privacy is or may be uncovered.  Facebook is, after all, a site thats main purpose is to make the world a more transparent place.  Privacy means keeping personal information about yourself, your life, and the life of your loved ones to yourself (and to those you trust).  If you are posting about your life on a website that was designed to make your life transparent, then you may want to consider otherwise if you do not like often hurtful consequences.  (A)social networking is not worth it.

Source: CNN

Fake Facebook Profiles: How Many Do You Need?

Recently it was said that there were over a billion people on Facebook.  Then later on it was said that many of those profiles were fake.  But the big question remains, why would anyone have more than one Facebook account?  Isn't one account enough?

So, how many of these accounts are fake? Facebook estimates 8.7 percent, or 83.09 million accounts.

That's a huge jump, both in raw numbers and as a percentage, from Facebook's last estimate. Back in March, Facebook said 5 to 6 percent of accounts are false or duplicate. At the time, this meant between 42.25 million and 50.70 million users.

Source: cnet

It can take a long time to create, mold, and perfect a Facebook profile.  No doubt some people have spent as much time on Facebook as some of the greatest painters, writers, and sculptors in history have spent on their iconic works.   Can you even imagine how much time one spends when they are milking multiple profiles on Facebook, Twitter, and other such sites?

I too have dabbled with multiplicity

Like many, my hands are not clean.  I used to have multiple Facebook and Myspace profiles.  I had one for another website I was making, one for myself, and one for an alter ego of myself.  While I spent very little time on these alternate accounts, I felt that any time spent thereon was a waste of my precious time.  I was right.  I could have been doing something more worthwhile with it.  I could have spent that time with a family member, a friend, or even with my cat.  I could have sat down and wrote a family member a letter expressing my love for them.  Instead, like many, I was absorbed in Facebook, doing what the creators and shareholders wanted me to do -- immersing myself, my time, and my very life into it.

A life without Facebook?

The truth is, I personally know many people who have more than one profile on Facebook.  Some use it for their nome de plume, others use it for a fantasy version of who they wish to become.  Some use a fake profile to start discord on the internet.  Others have a fake profile to cheat on their spouse or significant other.  There are a host of reasons one may use to make a fake profile, but there are very few really compelling reasons to be on Facebook in the first place.  In fact, although I know many people who disagree with the message of this site, not one person has given me a good reason why they spend hours a day on Facebook.  Not one.  In fact, many actually agree with the message or points of this site, but they find it too challenging to leave.  The idea of not being on Facebook is perplexing to many and does not jive with their idea of what it means to live in the modern world.

The truth is, many don't even want to try going without Facebook.  The idea that one is missing out on something by leaving Facebook compels many to stay.  The fact of the matter is that leaving Facebook for some is terrifying.  Facebook, for many, is their window to the outside world.  Although many people spend close to $100 a month on a smart phone, the idea of communicating with friends and family outside of Facebook is somehow absurd.  More and more people are stating that they do not like to talk on the phone, but would rather text or use Facebook to keep in touch with others. 

Among those who owned cellphones, 42 percent said they used their device to stave off boredom and 13 percent pretended to be occupied with their phones to stave off unwanted attention from others.

And what’s happened to voice? It turns out that 53 percent of Americans still prefer to talk to one another on their phones. Source: New York Times

Furthermore, in a recent article out of the dailymail stated that 1 in 5 residents of the UK would rather use Facebook than talk on the phone. 

Most people aged between 25 and 34 prefer to contact friends and family online than pick up the telephone - mobile or landline - according to broadband provider Talk Talk.

Source: dailymail.co.uk

Perhaps, we as people are forgetting what it is like to speak to one another.  What does this mean for our future generations?  While many claim that it is harmless, psychologically there is some harm when people do not want to talk to each other and somehow call it being social.

How much time do you spend on Facebook?

When one spends so much time hooked up to the internet, whether it be from the phone or from the home computer, one will likely spend much of that time on Facebook.  Very few people even consider how much time that they spend on (a)social media sites.  With such time being spent absorbed into these sites, there is little wonder why people may feel the want to create a fake profile (or profiles).  After all, it was so much fun to create the first one.  Furthermore, much of what was on the first profile was a fantasy, why not take it further in your second or third profile?

If a person clocked how much time they spent on Facebook and asked themselves if they feel that they don't have the time to achieve their goals, they would invariably be quite surprised with the result.  Having two or more profiles on Facebook is especially burdensome when one considers what they could achieve with the time that they spend on the site. 

Have you had more than one profile on any such website?  Do you know someone who does?  How did that affect you/them?  Are you ready to give a life without Facebook a try?  There's nothing to be afraid of.  I have received e-mails from and have spoken with many people who have left the world of (a)social media behind and have begun to live more abundant lives.  Perhaps it is now your turn.

If you would like help putting Facebook behind you, or want to talk with your Facebook use, please e-mail fbdetox@gmail.com.

The Internet can be a depressing place...

Lately I have been using the internet a lot to search for information on a wide variety of subjects.  However, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes searching for information on the internet is a pretty depressing endeavor.  It is also something that I have found has affected how I feel about myself, my current situation, and my outlook on life.  I have started to come to realize that the internet itself is not always good for a person's well being.

I have always thought that the internet was a great place for information, and I still do.  However, the information that the internet is great for is not the kind of information that is clouded with negative opinion.  It is the kind of information that is fact based.  Sites like Wikipedia, Wikitravel, and the like provide a person with a wealth of information that expands the mind and answers many questions that one may have.  However, there are many sites that make a person feel that life is a depressing ordeal, and I have begun to stay away from those sites.

Some of the biggest culprits are news websites.  News stories are not just written in a fact-based manner.  Instead, there is a great amount of fluff thrown in, along with the reporter's own spin.  Much of this fluff is to make a person feel compelled to continue reading (or watching).  News media oftentimes makes a person feel worried or tells a person that they need to continue to check back.  Yet, I have found that not paying attention to these sites has not hurt me in any way.  In fact, not having to worry about the possible doom and gloom of the world has helped me to feel better about myself and my life.  The world has yet to end, despite all the negativity that is out there.  Many news stories that proclaim that the world is an unsafe place are rarely spot on.  In fact, I have been to many parts of the world that were deemed unsafe or chaotic and realized that the media was highly over-exaggerating.  Newsmedia exists to make money, and money is made by enticing viewers and readers to continue to view advertisements. 

The news media is not the only part of the internet that is depressing however.  There are many internet forums full of people who proclaim that everything that one wants to do is a bad idea.  Many people state that there is no sense on trying to achieve something because of how others have failed at it.  However, very few of these sources explain why others have failed.  Many websites proclaim how horrific the economy is, how unemployment is so high, or how the college educated will never find jobs.  While these are serious concerns, reading about them and lamenting about them only leads to depression and apathy.  Do we really need to subject ourselves to that?

I have often spoken on the subject of (a)social media such as Facebook and Twitter being depressing.  I found Twitter especially to be a very depressing site.  Yet the media desperately wants everyone on Twitter.  In fact, almost every news source vehemently advertises their Twitter feed.  Furthermore, many of these media sources have huge sums of money invested in sites like Twitter, LinkedIn, and Facebook. With that in mind, it is apparent that they have a financial interest in getting you to spend time on these sites.

I strongly believe that what we allow to come into our minds greatly influences who we become.  I feel that I have become a stronger and more caring individual by not subjecting myself to a barrage of negativity.  I have seen people break down and become totally complacent about life due to negativity.  Sadly, many of these people are the type that will spend hours a day on sites like Facebook, because the imaginary world that exists on (a)social media is a safe haven from what they deem to be the harsh realities of everyday life.  The cycle of depression does not end, because negative feelings continue to emerge when the individual realizes that they spent obscene amounts of time on Facebook and that they are constantly comparing themselves to their friends and family -- people who they feel that they can not live up to.

On the internet we are constantly shown these cultural myths of people who live perfect lives.  We see people who are young, wealthy, and live in beautiful places.  We see people with lives that we wish we had.  Whether it is young adults that live in the East Village in New York and travel all around the world on their parents dime, or a business owner in his 30s who owns real estate all over the world.  Yet, these stories rarely state that such lives are largely a myth.  While there are many people who live in amazing houses and eat out in fine restaurants, we do not hear that they are also often unhappy or long for something more.  This is because many such stories only want to present us with one side of the picture.  This is not complete information.  Nobody's life is perfect, yet when we spend time on the internet or viewing media that shows such "perfect" lives, we tend to compare ourselves to them.  We see ourselves as inadequate.  The truth is, you are not inadequate.  There is no reason you should ever feel the need to compare yourself to another person, especially a person who exists largely in fantasy.  Yet on the internet is it almost impossible to not compare yourself with others.

The internet has become an obsession with people.  People are glued to their phones and computers everywhere.  Whether it is in the classroom or at the store, people can not get themselves to look away from the internet.  I do believe that there is a sociological problem with this, and I think that in the future, people are going to realize that.  However, at this point in time it amounts almost to heresy to say that there is a problem with our cell phone addicted culture.  People are not just staring at a screen; people are comparing themselves to others constantly; constantly feeding themselves information that is largely based on fantasy.  People are continually putting negativity into their minds.  We, as a society, have a problem with depression.  Perhaps this is one reason why people are so depressed.  When a person lives their life on the internet comparing themselves to other people and reading stories about how the world is such a horrible place, depression will follow.

Contrary to popular belief, choosing to not read negative information will not make you less intelligent.  There is enough information about the negativity of the world around you at all times.  Why subject yourself to more of it?  If you are social in any way, you will find out that there are economic problems, that there is unemployment, or that war is going on around the world.  Feeding it constantly to yourself or being glued to news media and (a)social networks is not going to make you feel better about your life or protect you.  Instead, focus on the positive things that make you feel good about yourself and your life.  Focus on your family, religion, the people you love, helping others, being a good role model, and achieving your goals.  There is a great amount that a person can accomplish in the time that they spend viewing negative information.  Setting yourself free from such a life is truly a way to make yourself feel better about the world around you. 

I highly recommend taking some time and going somewhere where you can not use the internet.  Somewhere where you are free from the distractions and negativity of the world.  There are many places out there that are not too expensive.  Consider spending a couple nights camping, whether it is in a tent or in a cabin somewhere, and keep the cell phone off.  Consider staying at a bed and breakfast without internet.  Plan a vacation to a primitive place.  Or, consider unplugging the computers for a day, or turning the cell phone off.  It is sometimes hard to unplug from the internet, but it is a truly refreshing experience.  Take that time to reflect on who you want to be and what you want to spend your time doing.  After a couple of days, see if you feel more refreshed.  Don't think of it as a chore, but think of it is a time to meditate and to feel better:  A chance to detox.  Many people honestly feel that there is no problem with being glued to the internet and the phone twenty four hours a day, but there are some who are starting to wonder if such a life is anywhere near the ideal.

Do you have an incessant urge to check up on the lives of others?

One of Facebook's draws is that it allows you to be a real life spy.  Once you sign up and collect some friends, you can constantly follow their lives at the push of a button.  The more people you know and find, the more time you can spend tracking their every movement.  Of course, such tracking comes at a cost. 

Every human is bound by the constraints of time.  Using any resource requires skill, and with practice, many get better at it.  Time is just another resource, one that requires some thought in order to use wisely.  Facebook costs people a great amount of time.  Almost every person has some kind of goal they are going after in life.  Many have dreams of doing something with their lives.  Something that is seen as special or that makes them more unique.  However, with Facebook, a person can, for a while, feel unique or different.  However, saying something on a computer does not mean that something is necessarily true.  And people tend to exaggerate on the internet.  Why?  It is very hard to prove something is not necessarily 100% true when you are not anywhere near that person.

But there is another sinister factor that lies deep within the underbelly of Facebook.  People oftentimes feel an incessant urge to check up on the lives of other people.  We like to know how we are doing.  However, Facebook is a poor method for gauging one's successes in life.  By using Facebook, we sell ourselves short by comparing ourselves with mere fiction.  Yet, we feel that we just have to see what our friends, our siblings, and our parents are doing in life.  Perhaps we can prove that something someone said about us in the past is wrong.  Maybe you did get into that school everyone said you would never get into.  And now is your chance to brag! 



Such bragging comes at a cost, and it's a cost that every Facebook member shares in.  We feel like trash when we log out.  We feel that our lives are somewhat of a failure.  If one of our hundreds of friends does something that we wish we did, it is easily to feel down in the dumps.  And with hundreds of friends the chances of one living an envious life is high.  Even if they are not truly living an envious life.  The truth is, nobody seems to want to say anything negative about themselves or their perfect lives on Facebook.  Lives that are full of vacations, achievements, and endless good choices.  We see our lives as being both good and bad, but few people would share the bad on Facebook.  When we compare our lives, the good, and the bad, with what we see on the internet, we invariably feel that we have somehow failed.

I have known people that refuse to leave Facebook because they have a need to check up on the lives of others.  They do not realize that by giving rid of the urge to follow people that are no longer a part of their life that they could accomplish their goals.  Many of these people are depressed and angry with how their lives have turned out.  Many are constantly envious of what they see on the internet.  Yet, they refuse to step back and take the reins on their own life.  They feel that Facebook really is giving them something in life.  They feel that being on Facebook makes them a better person.  But, science has been uncovering the fact for a while now that Facebook is full of negative attributes that affect people for the worse.  There is, in sum, very little one gets out of Facebook.  In the end, there is heartache as a result of using Facebook.  Whether it's the envy you feel when logging off, that wondering if you said something wrong or something that is somehow offensive to another, being exposed to negativity and angry political discourse, feeling ignored, or having spent hundreds of hours maintaining a profile and scouring for likes, Facebook makes one's quality of life go down.  As a rational human being, would you choose to be involved with something that reduces your quality of life and how you feel?  I know I will not.  Yet society and Facebook's investors, who represent multiple companies and news agencies want you on Facebook.  Facebook, for many, is a way to advertise.  Advertisers can tell a lot about you based on what you like.  A lot more about you than you want to share. 

For example, a recent article, entitled "Is a Facebook 'like' too much information" stated:

"Researchers got more than 58,000 volunteers who use Facebook to take a psychological and intelligence test and share all their profile information and likes. Then they ran some complicated algorithms and checked how likes correlated with what they knew about users (from their profiles, pictures, the tests, etc.)."

While such testing is in the early stages, the reality is that people share way too much information on the internet.  Recently, while talking to a family member, I was told that many people she knew do not want to get a passport because they believe the government can track such things.  Yet, these same people all have cell phones and Facebook accounts.  Even conspiracy theorists can't stay away from the site!

Is the want to check up on the lives of everyone you know or once knew worth the cost?  We oftentimes do not think about what something will cost us when we do it.  Sometimes something seems harmless, but over time it can do great damage to our lives.  Facebook use does cause damage in people's lives.  It's not just a harmless pastime, and society is starting to realize that.  But, is it too late?  Are people too addicted to the site?  Are you?  

Returning to Facebook for a Good Cause

The following is a guest post from one of my readers.  If you are interested in submitting a guest post on your thoughts about Facebook, please e-mail me at fbdetox@gmail.com. 

Returning to Facebook for a Good Cause

It’s been almost a year since I deactivated my Facebook account. From the beginning I was convinced that this was a very good decision. I was reaffirmed in my belief when I recently returned with disastrous results.

Even before I deactivated my account, I wasn’t using it very often. I didn’t care for how I felt after I spent time on there. I enjoyed the idea that I was a part of my friends’ and relatives’ lives, but would end up realizing that all I was doing was essentially spying on them and offering a few useless comments here and there. I tried to keep up with everyone, but found it to be too overwhelming. I had too many “friends” to actually be real friends with. Not only that, there were many times that looking at all of the highlighted accomplishments would make me feel depressed about my own life and lack of similar accomplishments. I wasn’t finished with school, starting a family, buying a house, etc. I had been doing things with my life, school, traveling, working, but it always seemed to pale when compared to others. I also couldn’t stand the “religious” bigotry, racism, or repeated ignorance that I saw in every other comment on there. It all got to be too much. I realized that I could keep the real relationships and make them more meaningful by not being on the site, so that it what I did.

Then came St. Baldrick’s Day at my university. It is a day in which people either shave their heads in support of fighting childhood cancer, or donate their hair to locks of love to make wigs for children in treatment. Part of support is the raising of donations to help fund research. Since I was taking part in this event this year, I wanted to help out as much as I could. I created a donation page on the St. Baldrick’s Foundation website and gave in to the advice to ask for help on Facebook.

When I reactivated my account, my first post made it clear that I was only there to get help for children in need and that afterwards I would be leaving again. I made a few updates giving the link and encouraging my friends to donate. I posted two pictures that showed how long my hair was, that would soon be donated, in order to try to get extra attention for the cause. I felt that the pictures may get the attention that the comments were missing out on. I was excited at the possibility of many of my friends and relatives contributing to such a worthy and relevant cause. With all those people, I thought that reaching my small goal of $100 would be a cinch. After all, that’s only asking for about $1 from most, not even everyone. However, my hopes came crashing down when after almost two weeks the only people who donated, or even mentioned it, were my husband and mother. Those were the two people that I asked in person. 

I tried to temper my disappointment with reason. Perhaps there is just so much noise on Facebook that they did not really see my posts. Maybe people get asked for donations so much that they didn’t see it. Maybe people didn’t notice that I was back for that short time. However, when I returned to deactivate my account, I saw that one of my friends had reposted my picture with an excited comment about how I had returned to Facebook. No mention of the fact that I had stated that I was only back for a short time in the name of curing childhood cancer. While I appreciated the appreciation, I was saddened that all my efforts fell by the wayside. People liked my pictures, but no one even commented on my request. It was as if my words were gibberish. Is that what Facebook is reduced to? Are we merely our pictures taken out of context? These issues rudely reminded me of why I left in the first place.

While my Facebook was reactivated I was mostly able to ignore the temptation to check in on everyone. I have to admit that I did scroll down a tiny bit when I saw the newsfeed. My eye was caught by a few things and it was hard to resist: I admit it. When my husband offered to help me deactivate it again, (they tend to hide it), he couldn’t resist the urge to check a friend’s wall. Here again, we were upset by Facebook. This is where I saw that my purpose was lost, but also that another person’s private matters were being discussed with everyone on the site. While I understand that this person and others had strong feelings about the matter, my husband and I both felt that this was unfair to the person who it mattered most to. We did not feel that they should have their business all over the internet if they were obviously not ready to tell other people about it. Before Facebook came along, this probably would still have been told to some other people, and even it was appropriate to do so. I acknowledge that. The problem is that Facebook allows hundreds of people to now know with one simple comment. It is like putting personal business on a billboard for all to see. This is not good for relationships as it takes much of the respect for other’s feelings out of the picture. Everything becomes news, and people forget that sharing isn’t always appropriate.

Looking back at all of this, I was sadly disheartened. I thought that it would be a simple thing to merely utilize Facebook for a good cause. I thought that I could make a difference with it. I was wrong. I find that this is the case with many people’s experience with Facebook. People are very quick to extol the virtues and possibilities of Facebook, when in reality it is only a place for shallow gossip. The only way that we can change the world is in our day to day lives. My time would have been better spent calling people or asking them in person. At least then I would have been seen as a human being, instead of letters on a screen and pretty face in a picture. Now I feel that I have learned the full lesson. Facebook is not only a waste of time, it is detrimental to society. People are fooled into thinking that they are actually doing productive things when it is all an illusion. It is time to stand up and say no to Facebook and yes to living real lives. That is how we will make a difference in the world.

***

Author: The author wishes to remain anonymous, but uses the pen name of Little Fawn.  For more information on the St. Baldricks foundation, please visit their website at http://www.stbaldricks.org/.

One Year Without Facebook

It was about a year ago when I gave up Facebook.  Many people thought I could not do it.  In fact, many thought it was just a phase I was going through (some still do).  I never understood what was so crazy about the idea of giving up Facebook.  I lived most of my life without it.  Yet, giving it up irritated people.  In fact, many are still irritated by this blog that I created shortly after deactivating my profile.  Many people refuse to even look at this site as they know that they could never give up Facebook.  The truth is that they are addicted to it, no matter what they say to the contrary. 

I have always believed at looking and considering information that I do not agree with.  In fact, I have found that, after looking at something I was against, my thoughts on that matter would sometimes change.  Being open to differing opinions is something that allows one to grow.  Of course, there are some differing opinions that I will never agree with.  That does not mean I should ignore contrary information or challenge my views and beliefs.  Even the most ardent supporter of Facebook may realize that the site is not everything is it cracked up to be if they considered some time away from it.

With that being said, I am immensely glad that I gave up Facebook a year ago.  I have accomplished a great amount without Facebook.  These things include progressing through graduate school, writing a book, creating a travel blog, gaining work and internship experience, writing a great deal of short stories, saving and investing money that I earned from my own projects, and visiting a few new areas of the world.  I have focused my attention on school and my professional life instead of focusing my attention on Facebook.  I found that instead of spending time worrying about what others thought of me, I was absorbed in my own goals and family.  Instead of spending time on Facebook, I spent time with my wife and pets.  I do not say this to brag. Instead, I say it to show that I accomplished much without Facebook -- and I know that anyone can do the same.  A year ago I spent most of my time looking at Facebook and comparing myself with others.  I wondered what others were doing.  I wondered if something I said would somehow offend someone.  And it often did.  I lamented that people would often say things, sometimes horrible things, that were contrary to who they held themselves out to be.  I cringed as political discourse turned ugly and individuals started attacking each other merely for their own beliefs.  I had little time to focus on my own life when I was literally wrapped up in the biggest waste of time that has perhaps ever been created (with the exception of the television, but even the television can provide something of value and be quite educational).

One year ago I had an "aha! moment."  I didn't make a big deal about leaving the site.  There was no, "I am going to leave Facebook, so say your goodbyes."  I just deactivated it without telling anyone.  The questions and comments from others eventually came to my e-mail or to my ears.  That's right.  People actually talked to me through means other than Facebook.  However, as a whole, I lost contact with most of the people who I was friends with.  Even certain family members.  I realized that I was only seen as a friend by certain people through Facebook.  Although that was somewhat hard to get used to, I was better off knowing this and getting used to that fact.  After all, before Facebook came along, I talked to very few people who were on my "friends list" and life was fine.   Once I left, I realized who my true friends were, and who those people were that wanted to stay in contact with me.  It was a very small number of people.  

However, being away from Facebook made me less popular with a select group of people.  Some people looked at me as if I was strange.  As if I had horns growing out of my head.  "Why would he leave Facebook?" they would question.  "What is wrong with him?" some would say.  "Is there some devious purpose to all this?"  Some people would try to get me on LinkedIn, but I resisted at all costs.  In fact, I found that I was able to gain a great deal of work experience even by not being on LinkedIn (more on this later).  I realized that (a)social networking internet sites (and such sites are asocial in every meaning of the word) were largely a pointless and useless endeavor (with very few exceptions).

There exists so much more beyond Facebook.

Learning to not care what others think of me has helped me a great deal in life.  It was once very hard for me to get by in life wondering if others would think of me in a negative light, or if someone would be mad at me for something I did.  I used to be coerced quite easily into doing things.  Things that made others somehow happy but left me feeling nasty.  Facebook did not make me feel good.  Logging off of Facebook after hours wasted on it was not something I felt proud of.  Even though it upset people that I left, I realized that it was my choice to leave, and mine alone.  You see, in life you truly own only one thing, and that is yourself.  Those people who are the happiest in the world are those who take control of their lives and of themselves and do what makes them happy.  This does not mean purposely hurting others (and leaving Facebook is not purposely hurting others, despite what some may say).  Instead, this means moving towards a lifestyle that makes one feel closer to who they want to be.

After a year of being away from Facebook I cannot say that I feel that I am missing anything.  I am constantly reminded of the site by others.  Generally these are people who seem unhappy with their lives; and I believe that part of the problem is their addiction to the site.  While not everyone who uses the site are addicted, I would venture to guess that a majority of the users of Facebook (those who maintain a profile and keep it current with their lives) are addicted.  Addicted is not something that people want to be labeled as, but the reality is that Facebook is addictive.  It is a virtual world where one can literally be whatever they want to be.  One has access to the lives of many people.  One can make themselves seem as great as they want to be.  That in itself is a very powerful idea.  There is no wonder that such a thing can be addictive.  Some people will spend hours a day on Facebook and come away somehow believing that they are not addicted.  Instead, they consider their behavior normal.  Sadly, such behavior is normal for many.  It was for me, and I knew that when I left over one year ago.  To reactivate my account would be to tread on dangerous ground.  Luckily, each day I am more and more sure of my choice to have left.  This blog, as a journal of my life without Facebook and as an observer of (a)social network addiction is a testament to that.  I only need to review what I have written to remind myself that my life without Facebook is more full than it would be on the site.  If I can help even one other person find the freedom and joy of a life without (a)social networks, then this blog has served a greater purpose.  I look forward to spending another year free of (a)social networking. 

Have you recently left Facebook?  Have you considered going back?  If so, did you give in to that temptation?  If you are considering leaving Facebook, or have given it up, post your thoughts below. 
 

Facebook and Parenting

Parenting is said to be one of life's greatest challenges. Some people choose to put the challenge on "hyper mode" by combining parenting with Facebook. Sadly, few who embark on this foolish endeavor succeed. Like ketchup and dirt, Facebook and parenting do not mix well.

I have been appalled on my journey through life by watching parents ignore their children while absorbing themselves and their attention toward their phones and computer screens. Many parents sit alone, oblivious to their children who are nearby, as they wrangle the perfect status update on their Facebook page. Sending out a picture of one's child seems to replace being there for the individual.

Contrary to popular belief, one is not a good parent merely by creating a child.  Parenting requires a great amount of time, and most of that time should be spent with that child. Sadly, I have witnessed my fair share of parents who think that being there for the child is a chore instead of a delight. Yet, many of these individuals possess a small army of children. If being there for your child is such a chore, why keep having them? A child is not a status symbol, it is a human being. Yet, with Facebook, everything becomes a status symbol. If something can garnish a certain number of 'likes' through Facebook, then it is Facebook gold. For some, their children are seen as a way to increase their internet popularity. A child is often seen as a vehicle for the attainment of more 'likes'.

If one is somehow compelled to spend time on Facebook, then that time should not come at the expense of being a parent. I have touched on the fact that Facebook gives back very little in exchange for the amount of time people spend on it. In fact, many people state that Facebook brings them feelings of envy, sadness, and anger. Many people, myself included, believe that Facebook takes away time that could be used towards other pursuits. Pursuits that result in greater rewards. One example, in the parenting context, is the bonding time that one can spend with their child. Children grow up quickly, and almost every parent has some regrets when their child reaches adulthood. There are few parents that do not wish they spent more time with their children when they were younger[1]. Even parents who are blessed enough to stay at home with their children instead of working outside of the home often feel this regret. Sadly, many stay-at-home parents are the biggest culprits in using Facebook instead of spending time with their growing children.

Many parents believe that it is the school's job to educate their children. This is a faulty way of thinking. Education begins in the home. A child who is not educated by their parents is at a huge disadvantage in life. Children who have parents who spend time educating them not only do better in school, but also are better psychologically prepared for the trials that are ahead of them in life [2]. "While both school and family involvement are important, the role of family involvement is stronger when it comes to academic success."[3]. Yet, many parents are not involving themselves in the child's studies. Instead, like many others, parents feel the need to be on Facebook. It is a burning obsession that constantly nags at the individual. Facebook addiction, after all, has many of the same addictive properties of drug addiction[4][5]. 

Parents, like others, are not able to easily walk away from Facebook. Many see no reason to. In fact, many parents who ignore their children while on Facebook do not see it as a problem. Yet, this is a huge problem. If animals ignored their offspring in the wild, the offspring would likely die. Just as in nature, when a parent ignores their child, the child's development is hampered. Parents have an obligation to help their children thrive. If you are ignoring your child to spend time on an (a)social network, your child is not thriving.You may be a parent who has spent time with your Facebook account to the detriment of your child. That does not mean that you are a bad person. Part of changing is realizing that there is a problem. 

The next step is moving towards a solution. The solution that I strongly recommend is leaving Facebook. Of course, many people think that the idea of leaving Facebook is devious. Many people are literally terrified of leaving their Facebook account behind. Some are scared of a world without Facebook. However, a great amount of people have found that leaving Facebook is an incredibly beneficial step into taking back their life. 

 Many people are astonished to find that they spend hours a day, and hundreds of hours a month on Facebook. Many people look at magazines of lives of those who live their dreams and wonder why they have not attained the same. Many people wonder where the years of their life are going. During their youth they had dreams of achieving some kind of success, whether it was being a writer, a doctor, a pilot, or something else that is attainable. However, they find those dreams beginning to wane as time progresses. Those dreams do not have to disappear. 

Ask yourself how much time you spend on Facebook a day. Multiply that by a 365. How much of that time that you spent on Facebook could have been devoted to another endeavor? How much time could you have spent with your child? The reality is that your child will grow up. One day you will die. Will you have any regrets as you look back on your life? I understand that it is often hard for people to look so far forward. Many of us live for the moment. If you could do something today to improve the rest of your life in profound ways would you consider doing it? If something is coming between you and who you want to be, then you owe it to yourself to alter your course in life. For many people Facebook is a barrier to a better life.

What could you gain by leaving Facebook behind? The chance to spend more time with your child and family? The chance to move towards the attainment of goals. The chance to read those books you have been meaning to read? The chance to work and save up towards something great? The chance to learn a skill or improve your abilities? Life is limited by one thing for everyone: time. Time is the most precious resource people have. Do not waste your life staring at a screen and tying your self-esteem to that endeavor. Nothing is worth that.

***

Sources:
[1]http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2203025/Spending-time-work-children-young-parents-chief-regret.html
[2]http://www.medicaldaily.com/articles/11651/20120821/children-parents-time-teenagers-psychology.htm
[3]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19923891
[4]http://www.facebookdetox.com/2012/04/what-are-you-stupid.html 
[5]http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/news/8436831/Student-addiction-to-technology-similar-to-drug-cravings-study-finds.html